ARE YOU GAY?
by leopika-chan
Summary: The HxH male characters answer the question...


The H x H male characters answer the question.  
  
ARE YOU GAY???  
  
Leopika: Welcome everyone! May I present to you the top question every bloodthirsty H x H fan has been dying to ask their favorite bishonen.ARE YOU GAY???  
  
Audience: WOO-HOOOOO.[claps, cheers, whistles, catcalls]  
  
Leopika: I also have a special announcement before we begin. Yaoi Anime Enterprises have sponsored this show and contributed a few of their creations. Featuring the new, high-class, technically advanced 100% accurate.GAY DETECTOR!!!  
  
Audience: Ooh.  
  
Leopika: This set comes complete with homo-monitoring broadcast satellite sensors, and contains SCAN, the ability to scrutinize the subject's deepest and darkest secrets at heart.even more precise than the lie detector (which is SO cliché) and of course the new improved GAY-O-METER!!!  
  
Audience: Aah.  
  
Leopika: May I call on our first [clears throat] victim.Mr. Killua Zoldich!  
  
KFC Killua Fans Club: [shrill screams of undying lust to the said victim]  
  
Leopika: [ecstatic to see him, pulls out her handy-dandy.notebook] So.Killua-san, in short and simple words can you answer this innocent question.are you gay?  
  
Audience: [holds their breaths]  
  
Killua: [feigns a shocked look] of COURSE.[thinks] not!  
  
Gay-o-meter: [reaches 85%] He's damn freakin' gay. Sorta. Almost. At least he passed.  
  
Leopika: [raises triumphant fist in the air] Killua-san's voice says it all folks!  
  
Killua: HEY!!! I'm not done yet-[gets pushed away by the big and muscular guards]  
  
Leopika: According to our gay-o-meter, Killua's voice has blurted out certain voice vibrations which shows where his true priorities lie.but he still has some masculinity in him because of his fondness in hentai a.k.a. naked sexy women. Now on to our second victim.Mrs.-I mean Miss.er-Mr. Kurapika!!!  
  
KFC 2 [Kurapika Fans Club which consists of many teenage girls and some.er.genderly mystified people]: AHAHAHAHAAAAAYYYY..!!!! KURAPIKA- SAMA!!!!!!!!  
  
Kurapika: [enters the stage in full Kuruta-clan attire, his chains jingle as he opens his eyes and brushes the hair of his face in an elegant manner]  
  
Audience: [drool]  
  
Leopika: Sugoiiiii..Okaa-sama!!! I mean-[gains composure] Welcome to our show Mrs.-Miss-Mr. Kurapika. May you please be kind enough to answer this-  
  
Kurapika: [eyes her suspiciously] have we met before?  
  
Leopika: --simple and contrary question. Kurapika: It's like we've met.you look familiar you know? Like every time I go to the bathroom and glance at the mirror.  
  
Leopika: [blurts out] AREYOUGAY?  
  
Kurapika: [weird, terror-stricken look on face, face turns red, then purple, then a weird shade of green]  
  
Leopika: Umm.okaa-I mean Kurapika-san? Daijobu desu ka?  
  
Kurapika: [turns back to refined self] Gay.such a word expresses many different perspectives in this so-called universe that we live on. It reflects a person's gaiety and tranquil bliss, featured in the smile any person has conjured up.  
  
Leopika: Umm.Kurapika-san.[hasty look]  
  
Kurapika: .yet it may also signify a male's wholly unique persona, whenever he sees the same kind such as himself and feels automatic happiness within that very moment of the rendezvous.  
  
Leopika: Er.Kurapika-san.you really don't need to explain everything.we already know you know practically everything-  
  
Kurapika: Rendezvous? What is it you may ask? It is a place of meeting.where destined hearts may meet as one, where friends escape the fear of the others and talk over their differences.  
  
Gay-o-meter: [reaches 100%] He is 100% certified gay. A true-blue gay bishonen. And a cute one at that. [to himself] What a hermaphrodite.  
  
Kurapika: What is fear of the others, pray tell? Well my brothers and sisters, it is the fear of rejection.[babbles on as he is lugged away by the brawly guards]  
  
Leopika: [blank look] Did he answer my question?  
  
Audience: [no response]  
  
Leopika: [shrugs] Anyways, we won't keep you waiting! Let's start with the next victim.Illumi Zoldich!  
  
Parasytes: [go and see Parasyte, a webpage for Illumi] ILLUMI- SAAAMMMAAAA!!!! MARRY ME!!! [once again, the voices are a mixture of teeny- bopper voices and um.deep ones]  
  
Illumi: [enters like a fashion model and strikes a pose before seating]  
  
Leopika: So Illumi-san, can you answer my question in simple words.are you gay?  
  
Illumi: I'm not gay. [flutters feline sultry black eyes] Of course I'm not! [Crosses his legs in a sexy way] Isn't it obvious I'm NOT? [flips LONG silky supermodel-like hair over his shoulder] Definitely not. [blinks his eyes daintily].  
  
Leopika: [sweatdrops]  
  
Illumi: I'm soooo NOT. I think I have to go now, I'm still in the midst of polishing my fingernails. [walks elegantly like he's crossing over a catwalk after waving to Leopika with only his fingers in a "buh-bye" approach.]  
  
Gay-o-meter: [reaches 100%] He's soooo damn gay.  
  
Leopika: [still sweatdropping] Oh well, let us get on to our next victim.[someone enters quickly] Otou-sama???  
  
Leorio: Er.am I on T.V.??? [scratches head, completely clueless]  
  
Leopika: [transfixed state, oogly look in eyes]  
  
Leorio: Um.hello? I'm here because I heard there was this Jenny Jones or Oprah kinda show thingy.  
  
Leopika: [transfixed state, with tongue lolled out, just by hearing his low and husky voice] Sing for me.  
  
Leorio: Er.have I met you before? You seem familiar.  
  
Leopika: [snaps back to reality] NOYOUHAVEN'T!!! I mean.Leorio-kun can you please ask this short question.are you gay?  
  
Leorio: [laughs his head off] ME?! GAY?!!! THAT'S THE STUPIDEST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAAAA!!!!  
  
Audience: BWAHAHAHAHAHHAAAA !!!!!![laughs along with him]  
  
Leorio: [calming himself] DUH!!! I LIKE GIRLS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!! I like cute-looking, sexy-looking, kind-looking girls like Machi, Pakunoda, Shizuku, Menchi and a lot more! Most importantly girl-looking.guys! Especially Kurapika! [confused look] He is girl-looking.isn't he?  
  
Audience: [jaws dropped in silence]  
  
Gay-o-meter: [reaches 90%] Whether you like it or not, he's gay.  
  
Leopika: [back to transfixed state] ..Thanks for dropping by!  
  
Leorio: HEY!!! THAT'S IT?! NO FANS CLUB?! NO PICTURE-TAKING?!!! [gets beaten up by the security guards]  
  
Leopika: Now on with the next guest!!!  
  
Gon: [enters and gives a shy wave] Ohayo! Yoroshiku!  
  
Leopika: [gapes] Gon-chan no kawaii!!! [prevents self from leaping to Gon]  
  
Gon: Hello Leopika-chan! It's nice to be here in your show!!!!  
  
Leopika: Yeah.[nods appreciatively] So Gon-chan, may you answer this innocent inquiry from moi.are you gay?  
  
Gon: [grins cheerfully] YES! YES I AM!!!  
  
Leopika: [eyes widen] You.are???  
  
Audience: He.is??? [bewildered looks]  
  
Gon: [nods repeatedly] HAI! I'm gay because whenever I wake up in the morning, I greet the sun for a wonderful weather, and I greet everyone I know with smiles! Because I'm thankful for every day that I get! Because I'm HAPPY!!!  
  
Everyone: [gapes in perplexity] Hoe.?  
  
Gay-o-meter: He's gay.but in different terms though. [reaches 5%] NANI?! There's still some un-masculinity left in his innocence? Kids these days!  
  
Leopika: Thanks for coming over Gon-chan!  
  
Gon: You're welcome, Leopika-chan!!! [being escorted by the guards]  
  
Leopika: OKAY!!! On to the next round!!!  
  
Kuroro: [walks sleekly towards the centerpiece] Ohayo gozaimasu, Leopika.  
  
KFC 3 Kuroro Fans Club: KURORO-SAMA!!! [hyperventilates and are sent out on stretchers]  
  
Leopika: [in dream-like state upon greeting his presence] Ohayo.dancho.  
  
Kuroro: You are not a member of the Genei Ryodan, so you don't have to call me that. Just call me Kuroro.  
  
Leopika: Hai, Kuroro-san. [swoons] I just wanted to ask you a question sir.if it is no problem.  
  
Kuroro: Continue.  
  
Leopika: .Are you gay?  
  
Kuroro: [head swells up like an inflated balloon] G-g-ga-gay.?  
  
Leopika: [confused with the loss of sophistication in Kuroro's face] Did I say something wrong?  
  
Kuroro: No dear.I'm sorry but I just.feel sort of sick! [makes a loud barfing sound then runs off]  
  
Audience: NO FAIR!!! COME BACK HERE!!!  
  
Leopika: Don't worry folks! The gay detector has got it all!  
  
Gay-o-meter: [reaches 99.9%] He's one hot gay!  
  
Leopika: Ick.[barfs, then gains composure] Now who's the-[eyes bulge out of the sockets]  
  
Pakunoda: [comes inside still wearing her trademark plunging and I mean plunging neckline blouse and shorty short skirt] Where's dancho?  
  
Leopika: [to herself] We have to go on with the show.[out loud] Pakunoda- san.are you gay?  
  
Pakunoda: [raises one eyebrow] Do I LOOK gay to YOU?! [leans back causing her eherm well-endowed part to you know.follow along]  
  
Audience: [gape, drool, stare]  
  
Gay-o-meter: Apparently not.  
  
Leopika: Gomen nasai Paku-san! I hope you aren't insulted.  
  
Pakunoda: It's fine with me. I just need to look for my dancho. [wanders off]  
  
Leopika: We're still running, folks! Now we have our last one.[lights turn off, a card zips out of nowhere and almost slices Leopika's shoulder only missing by an inch, then gets stuck to the wall]  
  
Hisoka: Everyone's favorite magician is here!!! [laughs wickedly, his "Gon is like an apple song" is played in the background] Did you see Gonny by the way, Leopika-tan????  
  
Leopika: [whispers] more like everyone's favorite clown.[straightens up] Um.He just.left.  
  
Hisoka: [twists his face weirdly] Left? Awww.that's too bad.. [pretends to be wiping a tear]  
  
Leopika: [builds up her courage] Tell me Hisoka-san.please just answer this question without killing me! Onegaishimasu!!!  
  
Hisoka: [smiles his trademark super-wide and sly smile] What is it, Leopika- tan?  
  
Leopika: AREYOUGAY?  
  
Hisoka: Oh.that? [taps chin sarcastically] I don't know. Come again?  
  
Leopika: [gulps] I was asking.if.you're gay.  
  
Hisoka: Eeeeeewaaaaann..I'm not sure.[raises eyebrows mockingly] What do you think?  
  
Leopika: [sweat trickles on forehead] Um.er.  
  
Hisoka: I don't really know.[voice dripping with sarcasm] I'm not too sure either.Well.maybe, maybe not.depends I think.I dunno.what's your idea? [grins evilly]  
  
Leopika: [can't take the tension anymore] GET THIS CLOWN OFF HERE!!!  
  
Hisoka: Uh-uh, you macho guys can't touch me! [pirouettes in mid-air to escape from their clutches] only Gonny-honey can touch me! And Illumi too! And Machi! And dancho! And-ITAI!!! [gets tortured by familiar-looking thread-like thingys]  
  
Leopika: Ok gay detector! Tell us the details?  
  
[silence]  
  
Leopika: [frantic look] Gay detector? GAY DETECTOR!!! WHY AREN'T YOU RESPONDING!!! [whirls around and sees the gay-o-meter all blown up because it could not take the extreme gayness detected from the last victim who came]  
  
Audience: [faints, all get carried off by the security guards]  
  
Leopika: KUSO!!! This costs a million ghennis! Sheesh! [shrugs nonchalantly] Oh well.that's too bad. But according to what we have seen in today's episode, I can only say one conclusion.therefore, our episode today implies that everyone, and I mean EVERY BISHOUNEN in H x H are.sadly but truly....GAY.  
  
[booming thunder and lightning in the background]  
  
Leopika: Scary isn't it? Well, it seems that Yoshihiro Togashi has a thing for cute.gay people. Now I thank you all for joining us in this show! You'll never know, we might have a sequel next time, but of course in connection with the show! Thanks a bunch for the people in Yaoi Anime Enterprises! Join us on another show in..ARE YOU GAY?????? [text sounds heard]  
  
KFC 1: GET HER!!!! SHE'S MAKING OUR KILLUA-SAMA LOOK LIKE SOME HOMO!!!!!!  
  
KFC 2: HOW DARE SHE OBTAIN SUCH A RISQUE NAME!!!!  
  
KFC 3: YOU MADE OUR KURORO-SAMA SICK!!!!! HOW COULD YOU!!!!  
  
Leopika: [nervous, sheepish grin] So everyone.. good fight! Good night! AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! [gets chased by the KFC fans clubs, the Genei Ryodan, the brawly guards, the managers of Yaoi Enterprises who have worked so hard for the gay detector and some other H x H fans and people reading or who have read this fic.]  
  
THE END (of Leopika-chan) 


End file.
